The End

The House Of Dreams will no longer updated. Instead, as part of the general process of change that is happening in my life at the moment, I have set up a new site - the aptly named "house of dreamz."[nb site officially opens 1st Sept]

The principles for the new site will be the same - essentially, a place for all types of creative writing. The layout is better, and labels will be used to distinguish different pieces. Also, there will be far less unnecessary commentary - though the writing will remain personal, the blog itself will have less focus on my moods and temperament, and much more on the work.

I hope you will continue to browse the archives of this site, as I believe there are many great pieces within. However, if you would join with me in the move to the new site - and hopefully a new era of creativity - I would be most grateful.

Thanks for visiting this site and for reading the work, and thankyou especially to those who commented.

Hoping, for life beyond life, a smile through the tears and a sparkle in the eye
Dreaming, of everything I dare, a world without limits, and wings so I can fly

marooned

lying back in the sand as the sun melts away the last clouds on the horizon, i gaze into the deep, ocean-blue sky, trying to picture what lies beyond. it is impenetrable. though i stare, straining my eyes against the glare of the sun, not even seabirds will break the stillness of the heavens. the waves, it seems, make no sound - the gentle lapping of the sea against the sand is akin to silence in this desert, and i close my eyes in surrender.

sing

it's a beautiful afternoon and the wind stirs the air
impatient, pushing you to take that step
the pavement stirs beneath the haze
and the music of car engines and background city ambience compliments the unsung song that sits on your lips;
if only you had the heart to sing

a message

AS LONG AS I'M STUCK HERE I'LL NEVER STOP SHOUTING

_

raindrops fill your eyes
as you search the skies
desperately seeking a way out

threw

it's a beautiful evening, and between the clouds you can see the stars stretching on forever. doesn't it make you think? it makes my heart ache a little, not unpleasantly, as i try to understand the nature of our infinite universe. just think about how little time we have here to discover it, to explore. use your time well, won't you? don't go throwing it away.

but you keep looking away from me, something tells me you're unhappy - you're not yourself, they say. i hope you behave yourself, don't drink too much, don't drift too close to the edge.

the warm night air is soft on our cheeks, and the lights illuminate the water so gently that the shadows dance, like ripples. don't tell me that it doesn't stir your soul, just a little? how can you be numb when i've always been here for you, i'll always be here for you. don't throw it away.

---

i don't know how, or why, but he jumped.
he threw it away.

mountaintops

here's the line in the sand, the break in the clouds
the place where i stand up tall and shout out loud
and you back down, this has to end now, no second chances

there's a look in your eye and i know how you feel
keep asking your conscience if this is for real
well trust me it isn't going to get any better

there's a place in my head where i go when i'm alone
high above the world,
i can see with eagles' eyes and steal their feathers to fly

hear the break in my voice, the gap in the wall
my weapons are loaded with nothing at all
and you face up, what more have you got? tell me

take a look in my eyes and show me your faith
i can see it written all over your face
there's no grace, no glory, i'll take my chances

thre's a place in my head where i go when i'm surrounded
high above the world,
i can see with eagles' eyes, i'll steal their wings and fly
i'll take my chances

there's a place in my mind where i'll always survive
high above the world
i can see with angels' eyes, i'll take my chances

...

i've fallen in love with life again
and your face is one of many memories that springs to mind
and your voice is one of many sounds that echoes back
and your smile is one of many smiles i see around
you're not so special, in some ways

...in some ways

night sky

it's still there
every time i close my eyes
and even in the day-time

for six hours a night in the summer
(when the clouds are gone and the lights are low)
i can see the stars with my own eyes
but even then i don't fully comprehend

free

i'll take comfort in my liberty
even though my liberty
has ruined me

sunburn

as if some deity exploded an atom bomb behind the clouds
to rekindle the spark of urgency within creation...

...and every hour of every evening,
somewhere in the world, the sun
is blazing beautiful, intricate patterns into the evening sky
as another lost soul looks on in awe, and God smiles

untitled

gently drowned in lullabies
of lapping waves and seagulls' cries
lying at the waterside, and sinking

into sleep
you wait to regain this place
but night has fallen, soft and sorrowful
serpent tongues and tears still pierce your dreams

and moonbeams illuminate
forgotten things you used to hate
that grow and crawl and replicate, eternal

don't fear
the world you love is still here
hid behind a curtain of waves and night-time

persevere beyond the morning sun and you'll return

Madeleine

A song

Hey now little girl, where did you go?
This isn't a walkthrough holiday
It's been a little while, a little wait,
Sweet dreams to you but don't stay gone for too long

A thousand people die every single day

I always wanted to have my face on a poster,
I always wanted to be famous like you are, so loved

A hundred thousand peope die every single day,
Why should you be different? Why should you be just the same?

no place like home

stepping out of the sunrise
a young man's face with old man's eyes
and no home for him in this town;
when you leave there's no coming back

wait a while in the corner
the busy night so colourless, and
he leaves by the back door,
said his mind was elsewhere

you can fly over the ocean
but when you drink the water you'll never forget
you'll never lose the taste

sunlight in the avenue
it's not quite the other side of the world
i've been there
and when i close my eyes there's no place but home

you can run from place to place,
find somewhere to lay your head,
get up on your feet and go,
come around here and realise it's no longer home

Verse

I am a seasonal writer. Hence why we have transgressed from stories to song lyrics to short verses and cryptic paragraphs. I hope you will bear with me...

waters cannot quench

wear me on your sleeve
emblazoned for the world to see
i will be your flame, your bitter jealousy
crueller than the grave, i'll burn my mark deep within, so come with me

for you

we should get a coffee
or take a walk sometime
cuz there's attraction but no intimacy
and i barely know the real you

maybe if it's perfect
then time will work its course
but something tells me that unless i say something,
say something brave, say something stupid
then we'll never be more than a might-have-been inside my head

and that's our destiny,
anyway you're too young for me

puzzle pieces

it's only a week since you went away
only feels like yesterday
already feels like forever
were you even for real or only a dream?
or an angel sent by God, a message undelivered, a tear in the fabric?
puzzle pieces fall into the abyss and are lost
before we know the meaning of the image

it's only been seven days
what do you do when you're not here?
saving hearts and changing lives in another world
why can't you be everywhere at once?
you won me

lucky

sky lays blankets of cloud
sprinkled soft with gold
walking to the breeze i lift my head
and find no liberation

heart hangs heavy with lead
and my eyes stumble shut
how can i live in this valley when the mountains are so glorious?
how can i learn to climb if i'm yet to learn to crawl.

cryptic

if you're the hangman, throw me a rope
if that's the only way out, i'd rather choke
if that's the time, there's still time left to spend
if i was anyone else, this would be the perfect time to end

155

i will fly
the sky can't hold me, but gravity won't defy
i have no weights left to carry, no reasons left to crawl
nothing to trigger my fall
nothing left at all,
weightless

Today, Etc.

My notebook (not this one, the real one... remember paper?) is full. Again. Photos on Facebook.
I believe this leads in another new era. Summer is here, The Times They Are A-Changing, and I have a fresh pen and a fresh mind.

I don't know what else. Read more.

-

and so you, as with everything else in this life, will come and go
passing through to make a change
moving on to somewhere new
never to be seen again

brainwashed

brainwashed by fairytales
so much so you can't help but wish
all this was real
can't help but feel
helpless
can't help but dream on into the day
when you should be awake

looking back

the subtle sound of two hearts beating
and lips parting, one last time
leaving now with the dawn mist
breaking back the shadows like curtains
morning light streams in

a new world of opportunity
oceans away, no time to stay

photographs and memories
locked away in a dusty box
the tide still comes and goes
breaking the beach into particles
we're lost in this crowd

gone with the new tide
no looking back

the shadows dance in silence across the bar

drowned in the lights
and the smoke tonight
i will die
in your arms, my dear
oblivious and proud

silhouettes, swirling
lost between the melodies
i'll sip another souvenir of love and smile
so catch me

can't stand to stay awake
i'm so content
my heart is pulsing in my head
and i will fall into a beautiful slumber
don't care if i ever rise again

effigy

he doesn't even look like me
all straw arms and wicker
that's no way to let go
that's no way to let it all out

you won't even lay a finger on me
warcries that echo across the oceans
too far to find, so try me
i won't become your effigy
to burn

so you've got something to say
can we talk about it sensibly?
let's do this intellectually
i won't become your effigy
you won't make a fire out of me

try hitting a little harder,
try shouting a little louder,
still ain't gonna change my mind

burned out

i'm all burned out...
tastes... like nothing else...
looks like... just... a shell
colder now... it's... hot as hell

now gone forever

sun-kissed
and your beauty magnified
look at these memories
i'll keep them safe

farewell
i'll take your soul with me
at all times
right beside

clock's ticking now
dark fading now
you're all but nothing

farewell
i'll keep you safe with me
at all times
left behind

get far,
swim out,
clean escape, it's all yours
do this for me
make your own history
the future will have to wait and see

time's moving
no wasting
i loved this moment
now gone forever

the sweet sound of summer

the sweet sound of summer
when the raindrops melt into the sea
and the skies fade from day to night without blinking
and the road is warm beneath my feet,
the pillow soft beneath my head,
and your breath is soft on my cheek as we sit in silence
in the sweet sound of summer

diversify!

i'm aware that i've been posting a lot of lyrics recently. which is fine, because they're important, and because it's what i do, but i still think it would be good to diversify a little. i'll try and make sure my next post is a nice story, or some real poetry!

i am jack's broken heart

based on the film "fight club"

can you tell me a lie so i can believe?
i'm living a lie to myself,
and the sun only sets when i'm home and alone,
when everyone else has gone

it's the dirt in your nails and the blood on your face
and the ropes that pull you to and fro,
and the phone only rings when i'm out of control
cuz i'm losing it... i think... i think i lost it

did you lead me this far
just to leave me alone?
are we out of control?
why did it take us so long?

and i can't sleep at all...

it's the fight in your heart that brings life to your soul
but you're numb, numb, numb
the day-job, the nightlife, the social control
and i can't sleep at all...

are we out of control?
why did it take us so long?

Michael Moore, Go Get Your Camera

A song inspired by the Virginia Tech Massacre

Writing alone at night
Dead quiet in the summer heat
He threw that idea around with the voices in his head
It's better to burn right out,
Leave all this shit right now
He knows that the trigger will speak in its own defence

It's only America,
What have you done to us,
What has become of you?
There goes your liberty

Tears and sweat and shame
Fists clenching in the dark
No sacrafice is too great a price to pay
Here is your precious blood
Here is your sweet revenge
Here is your overkill, look at that beautiful face

It's only a sick, sad world
He's only a fallen son
What has become of you?
Here's to your liberty

I think it's a damn shame
I think we all know who to blame
I think we all know a little too much about what we deserve
Well she's only a child
She's only an innocent
So put down the weapon before it's too late, could you do that for me?

It's only another day,
It's only a holiday,
It's only a great escape,
There's only an empty cage

It's only a world away
So tragic a prize to take
Caught in a deadly embrace
In the arms of your liberty

bittersweet

this is the end of a song/poem i wrote the day i split up with my last girlfriend, almost a year ago

i promise i meant everything
and you meant a lot to me
some things always have to change
i guess that's just the way things are
that's how they've always been

guess i've been dwelling on relationship stuff recently. not about her, but generally...
hmm, too personal methinks! where'd joe, ian and co get to?

one touch - now a full song

all i need is one touch of your hand
just one glimpse and then i'll understand
i can see the clouds above the promised land
just one thunderbolt and then i'll understand

i've got lies beneath my skin
original sin
and a book i don't have time to read
i've had lessons that i've learned
and hands that i have burned
and eyes that see what i still can't believe

oh, my head is only filled with doubts
these emotions, i can't let them out,
i'm suffering for my sins, there's famine and drought
if only i could read you i could figure you out

i've got questions
i've got answers too
they mean nothing
i need the real thing

i'm ashamed and i'm afraid
of a price already paid
i've got no excuses left to use
i've heard it all before
i've heard it all before
there's nothing left but me and you
there's nothing left between me and you

one touch

i found this hidden away in my lyrics folder. it's not complete yet...


all i need is one touch of your hand
just one glimpse and then i'll understand
i can see the clouds above the promised land
just one thunderbolt and then i'll understand

i've got lies beneath my skin
original sin
and a book i don't have time to read
i've had lessons that i've learned
and hands that i have burned
and eyes that see what i still can't believe

kid

you're living in a dream world, kid,
and you think that i don't know
where are you gonna go?
you have ideals but it's reality we're living in
and where have you been?
it's like the world has turned around a thousand times and you're still standing still

you believe that you're invincible
you're sick inside, you just pretend
there's nothing there, you never care
you hide behind your laughter and you're doing this to me

you're only just old enough to do the things you dream of
you're only just mature enough to realise your stupidity
it's killing me
and do you know just how little of this mess you understand?
don't play your hand
don't waste the cards you haven't yet been dealt

you're doing this to me
you're still so young, so full of life,
you're wasting away, you're wasting time,
you're doing this to me

updates

these two are songs written in the past couple of weeks, both with a strong sense of melody and rhythm. kinda philosophical subject matter. hope you like...

until it settles

i've got eight more years, a room of fears, a cup of tears to go
i've got nine crimes and lilac wine, a thousand lines to show
no more news, no new regrets, and nothing new to know
i've got no breath, no space, no time and nowhere left to grow

i've got another book to write, another tale to tell, another love song to sing
i've got a lot of memories, a lot of old friends, but nothing real to bring
i've got a lot of hope and a lot of potential, a child who should be king
but i've gotten myself confused, and i float like a bee with a butterfly's sting

i talk to myself in the dead of night when there's no-one else to hear
i laugh at the world in the midday sun as it shies away in fear
i try to remember why i live and breathe, why i'm yet to disappear
i'll wait 'til the waters settle, i'll wait until it all comes clear

look me

trash talk and cheap words
that's all i've got
i keep wanting to believe things
i know i'm not
look down,
so unchangeable,
you wonder why i'm scared to move?

look me in the eye
and tell me it's true

wasting and wanting,
it's such a shame
at least i know
that i've got myself to blame
repeats
and empty words,
you wonder why i'm sick of all this?

look me in the eye
and tell me it's true

and if it's not seeing that's believing
i don't know what is

look me in the eye
and say "i love you"

absence

i've written some damn good stuff of late, but have been without computer and thus unable to post.

still, it should find its way online in time. prepare to be swamped...

burned to the ground

the land lays waste to the sky
bringing down the clouds
in a swirl of midnight
the subtle hint of fire
a lion's den of lies
hanging by the wire

when the night is closing in
sometimes the air begins to break
i see the shadows in your eyes
i see the pain upon your face
why don't you leave your home behind
my love
there's no refuge in this place

but i could stay here for days

when the lights are on the stars
revealing empty truths
for what they really are
thunder shakes the ground
and you can't call out
you stay without a sound

when they leave you
they will leave you
when they leave you alone
the last candle has burned
to the ground

The Start

can you lay with me in the grass
for one last precious minute?
i've dreamed about this day
but i never had the heart
you go your seperate way, my dear
and see if you regret it
while i follow my directions
back to the start

i spoke in optimistics
while bridges burned behind
i only want restraint
but persuasion is my art
i tried to catch you falling
but i hit the ground myself
we're staring at the sky
and we're back at the start

i love your gentle kisses
and your whisper in my ear
i love the way you enter
and the way you depart
i wish i'd siezed the moment
if that would make it different
here's my opportunity
back at the start

i'll watch and wait and wonder
as you travel all your paths
and see the broken sun set
on the last of my friends
i'll take a mental portrait,
a gentle souvenier
and i'll remember you
until the end

broken age

we live in a broken age
high sky-rises and crystal glass
we've mastered our environment
and we're killing ourselves slowly
tablets and tables and talking
and working too hard
we live in a broken age
the kids grow up shooting
we've run out of things to hunt
and the world leaves behind the ghettos
and the slums

we have to look to the stars
will you follow me
if i leave this place behind?

we live in a broken age
suffer at my hands, this abuse-riddled system
who is not to blame?
pity the young
suffer the old
we live in a broken age
our enemies are too many to count
and we mastered them with steel and cables
and pipelines

we live in a broken age
captive in a material cage
it's hard, sometimes, to conceal the rage
at the mess that we make and the wars that we wage
what we have left just gets harder to gauge
the book is shorter with every page
the world is a timebomb, not a curtained stage
we will leave for the stars at the end of the day

i should be able to communicate

i should be able to communicate
i've got words and voice and sound and mind
everything i think comes out juxtapositioned
i don't even know who i am, when i portray myself so boldly
and i can't even form a rhyme without stalling
i should be able to communicate
i think i realised this too late

just a dream

don't waste your time chasing a dream.

it's a dream, man, dreams are fabrications of the mind. they're vain hopes or excitable nonsenses and seriously, dude, it doesn't do to dwell on them. i mean, think logically, man, what if all your dreams came true? disaster. so don't waste your time.

it's just a dream, kid. dreams are necessary but in the long run, they won't get you anywhere. in fact, they'll only drag you down. i say it's best to ponder them, and then put them aside for your retirement. haha! now if that don't make ya sad... but seriously, don't waste your time.

it's just a dream.

so now i have this conflict, and everything (and everyone) i know says "forget it. F-O-R-G-E-T    I-T." but i'm like, "no." because i don't want to forget it. i want to believe that dreams are more than just fabrications, that they are achievable realities. and the fact that i want to believe it, is that just another dream?
quit wasting your time.

did i hear you thinking about it again? yes i did. thoughts speak louder than actions, my boy, you should know that. and hey, look me in the eye. IN THE EYE. look, i'm trying to help you out. i'm doing you a favour. because i don't want you to waste your time.

it's just a dream.

n.b.

"judgement" and "mitya's downfall" were inspired by the novel "the brothers karamazov"

it's jolly good, i suggest you read it!

judgement

you wear a mask of tears on your face
to hide the guilt and shame of your disgrace
to complicate the drama of the chase
to trap us with the time you choose to waste

the evidence reveals your perfect crime
there's no easy way out for you this time
how can i believe that you don't lie?
there's nothing you can say to change my mind

your guilt is buried deep within your eyes
soaked in blood and written 'twixt the lines
not yet quite concealed by your disguise
contemptuous, you lead me to despise

still, "innocent, not guilty" you will cry
but the judgement and the justice will be mine
i read you and percieve that you're a lie
i'd hate to see an innocent man die

A Bit Of Prose

While on Arvon I wrote a story, but it's not really short enough to post here so it has its very own page.

I like bits of it, and bits of it I'm not sure about, but it's definitely psychological/philisophical rather than adventure/excitement. Which can only be a good thing, right?

The piece itself is quite poetic. Here is the last line:

"... the black clouds swarmed above, pouring tears into my eyes"

Mitya's Downfall

i am so in love and i can't trust you,
and i have always hated you,
we are a mess of contradictions
now i hear your words like leaded weights
and i fall from grace
in this, the nightmarish conclusion

and i can't even look upon your face
i never was a thief and yet i stole your heart
and now we're broken
like chains that held us in place
you can't let me let you go
you're killing us, you're breaking this up

tell me darling, when i held you
for the first time, did you despise me then?
when you gazed upon me then
i felt the breath catch in my lungs
and i was trembling in fear of you
and now it's coming back around
everything is falling down
and gravity is taking hold
forgotten words returning now to haunt me

you can't bring yourself to believe the truth
and i am only in love with her
and it's too late for that, too late
and your last words have sealed my fate

shallow

i'm so shallow you can wade through me
i'm so shallow you can see through me
i know you believe me so i tell you lies,
i don't look into your eyes because they terrify

don't trust me
i won't do you any harm
i won't do you any good

i died to myself inside
for the sake of my pride
i won't do you any good

i'm so shallow you can walk right through me
i'm so shallow it's like you never knew me
i'm so shallow another ship got stuck
i'm so shallow i'm almost dried up
i'm so shallow you can talk over me
i'm so shallow you can walk over me
i'm so shallow i don't even see you
i'm so shallow i don't even need to

Darkest Hour

at my darkest hour
with all hope out of sight
on this darkest of nights
i wait for you
alone an unsure
i've made a mistake
and my options are gone
so all i can do is wait
and reflect
on where i went wrong
and all my mistakes
but i can't wait forever
my time is short
and i'm alone now
with nowhere left to turn
and nowhere left to go
i've got nothing to lose
and at my darkest hour
i wait

sometimes i don't quite believe in you

you look so perfect tonight
as you stand with your head held high
the light falls so splendid, your crowning glory,
you're dressed like an angel in white

you've got the world in your hand
the power to mould and enhance
you can topple the kings, the liars and traitors
your wish is my very command

do you dream
in colour like i do?
and do you feel
the pain of being human too?
i dream in colours
and i live in fantasies
and i believe my own deceit
and i throw myself at your feet
because your dreams have all come true

you stand so majestic and proud
your voice will never be drowned
unwavering, unafraid, you stay yet unswayed
a bright light that shines through the cloud

do you fear
in colour like i do?
do you feel the pain
of thinking your life through?
i fear in colours
and i live in nightmares
and i live in retreat
and i embrace defeat
and sometimes, i don't quite believe in you

fall from the sky

i took a trip through your lies
on a dark and stormy night
it took me by surprise
and it kept hold of me tight
i never looked into your eyes
out of fear or out of spite
but you took me by the hand
and led me on and on and on

and i saw you fall
like lightning from the sky
you never were afraid to die
you never overcame your pride
there's never any place to hide

i've come a long way since then
but i'm still the same
since you captured my heart
and told me my name
you corrupt and disgust
and bring longing and shame
but i keep coming back here
to where you remain and...

i saw you fall
like lightning from the sky
and the multitudes looked on
their mouths all open wide
there's never any rest
no place to go to die
and yet inside you're defiant
do you know who you defy?
despised, worshipped and embraced
empowered, embittered and disgraced
so much to gain from so much waste
it's such a shame you put your faith
in yourself,
and that we can't break out
of this hell
your hell
you're hell

Lullabye for The King

written in advance for Christmas 2007... a little early, maybe?

Hush baby Jesus, be still now, don't cry
You've still got some time before you have to die
With the weight of that crown of thorns on your head
Are blood and tears all you've got left to shed?
I left all my sins at the side of the road
But picked up some more just outside Jericho
They're easier, lighter, more fun to keep
- Your water's too shallow and your wine is too deep

Hush baby Jesus, the birthday cake
Is still on its way, just a little too late
The wise men forgot candles and left in the dark
Cursing their blindness and ignoring the sparks
I bought you a present but left it at home
I figured I'd need it if you left me alone
But don't cry, baby Jesus, I wrote you a song,
Just hope you don't mind that the lyrics are wrong

Help, baby Jesus, I've forgotten the way
- You told me to find you on Christmas day
But the churches are empty and the shops are all full,
And the lights are addictive, I'm caught in the pull
So I'll hark to the sirens, the carols of night
Because they stand for the Way and the Truth and the Light
And the life that you bring hasn't found its home yet
So forgive me, because for now it's best to forget

the truth will make you free

this is a new song of mine, it's quite rocky/bluesy hence the humorous tone... can you spot all the puns?

the truth was a lie from the very beginning
someone had the book upside down
i'm looking for a Way i can fit to live with,
something i can get my head around
i don't believe a word of that pathetic mantra
it echoes like a gong inside my head
but the vacum is still empty and life still sucks
i'm just waiting to realise i'm dead

looking for a light,
a truth,
a way, a hope
a something out there
can you come and set me free? please?
i'm waiting on my knees

i don't give a damn about my salvation
what must be will be, if you didn't guess
it's necessary for me to find a decent motivation
because kicking shit around just makes a mess
i know that i'm close enough to be almost in range
i hear the humming when i'm half-asleep
i know the answer's out there because they said it once before
but out at sea the water is most deep

if you can break the cage open
i'll spring out
if you can throw me a rope
i'll climb out
i can't do it alone
i'm waiting on my knees

happy valentine's

i love you darling,
do you taste it? sweet wine
like the poison we put
to our lips when we dine
the colour of lifeblood
that spills from my breast,
as you follow me you pass
our love's final test

taste my love, darling
i'll force-feed you grief
a living emotion,
a passionate belief,
don't leave for the shadows
i need you to hold on
if we're to make it through
the other side of the storm

your spirit walks the dark ways
as you breathe your last breath
and the sun fades from your face
to the depths of cold death
i see your eyes blur
- have you left me alone? -
but i feel my heart slowing
as i follow you home

i love you darling,
do you feel it? sweet pain
that falls from the heavens
like blood and spring rain
i won your heart, took your heart
with romance's lie
and we led each other here
to the place where we die,

in the name of love

A Tribute to Romeo and Juliet, The World's Most Famous Lovers

You should have been left to grow old
I wonder, would it have lasted?
Single mother, where's the beauty there
Juliet,
When your smile has faded with the dust left by your man?
He left for another catch
because his love burned out.

Or maybe you grew old and died happy,
Lost the romance, kept the love,
And then, when his heart failed in his sleep
You stood at his grave and wept happy tears
Because he was yours forever
And the children, no longer children
Take you home to rest.

But as you lie bleeding, still so young and fair,
Pushed over the edge by your raw emotions
In this beautiful bleak tragedy, at sunset
We can feel your pain.
No-one knows what is coming next
And we live for the moment
Because predicatability is death
And love, loss, pain: these are life.

my secret poem #1

this is my secret poem
i fling sparks skyward with my eyes
and my hands draw lines in space with the very stars
because i am in control

mystery and moment are my weapons
and surely you cannot stand against me when i wield such power?
i talk in truths
and rhyme in lies
and dazzle you with wonders that you will never see beyond your mind's eye

this is my secret poem,
know me

Notebook

Unlock me

I contain your secrets
Right from Day One I have listened intently
To the tremor of your mind as it races.
You scratch me with pens, and my scars are sweet to behold,
Precious words

I tremble with anticipation at my own contents
As a breeze lifts my pages, gently, gently.
You can trust me,
I hold no truths, no lies, only words:
Scars

Waking

I wake to the wolf’s cry
In my mind’s eye he stands proud,
Head tilted toward the sky,
Misty breath in moonlight

I watch in still silence,
Fear and awe as the cry resounds again,
Again

Sharp teeth glisten
But I remember: wolves aren’t real,
Are they?

July

And the sun was on the sea,
A floating orb casting shadows on warm rocks.
Blue and green, warm wind,
Headphones in: he sings sad songs
About love and loneliness
But I am content even to death.
The waves grace the rocks with gentle hands
And the seagull dives, one more time
Into the deep blue sea.

My Secret Poem

i'll always be the one to lie to you
if you ask me for even a drop of the truth
close your eyes, child, let life pass you by
it's easier to live if you're living a lie
a dream is precious and not to be wasted
and paradise sweet, yet sweetness untasted
so open your heart to the webs that i weave
it's easy to believe when you know you're decieved
let me take you to places you wished you could be
follow my words and your mind's eye will see
as you lie in a daze we will travel the skies
you can relax your soul in the arms of my lies
it's an empty escape but it's worth more than gold
so reach out, and let go of the freedom you sold
you're mine now

Address

To Frailty
Just to think
that every time I am awake I am in danger;
that's enough to send any sane person over the edge.
I avoid heights,
look both ways before crossing the road,
but one day you'll get me - I just know it

To History
The lessons I've learnt on how to:
- answer essay questions effectively
- examine sources
- draw a substantiated judgement from the acquired evidence
these are not as important as what I know
about people.
Thanks for all the good times,
Something tells me you'll still be around when I next drop by

Words

We carry the weight of our words
Scratched deep into heavy wood,
Wrapped tight in lined paper,
Be careful what you say.

Be careful what you wish for,
Because the day your dreams come true
There will be hell to pay.

A heavy price,
Words etched in wood and slung
About our necks

Negatives

He never lived beside the sea.
He didn't ever wander down to the beach to skim stones,
Nor did he ever take his wife for windy walks through sand dunes.
He did not sit upon the bench with his son, watching seagulls swoop over waves,
and he did not buy ice-ream from the little van in the car park.
He didn't stand alone, one last time, at the cliff edge. He didn't fall.
He would never fall.

The Poem of The Money

I took your pot of gold from the end of the rainbow,
And drowned in it.

Young

1
Once when I was young I woke at midnight
And watched the moon traverse cloudless skies, burning white

2
I am empty now.
My flame has died,
But the bright moon burns on as I follow behind
Still so young

Arvon Anthology

The Secret Lives of Shadows

you might say they are passive

but 1 see something more

they follow us around all day

they grow they shrink

they mimic us day in and out

they know our most private thoughts

and some would say at night

they simply go away

but I think they do something more

I think they contemplate our actions

I think they test their own free will

they run and jump

and dance and sing

and we are simply blind to them

1 think they live their secret lives

Away from our prying eyes

I think that if we found this world

we'd simply bring it in the light

and ruin it,

this secret world of shadows

I think they know this too

and so we'll never know

the secret lives of shadows

and what they do for fun.

I think I'd like to be a shadow

Just to see this secret world

I think it must be grand

Carefree and full of cheer

To dance and play

And sing the night away

No fears no qualms

This secret world of shadows

It sounds like paradise

I see why they would hide this

keep it to themselves

But I think this world of light

Could use this world of shadows

If only for a little while

A global serenity

A break from all this tyranny

How ironic it seems

Us the world of light

Filled with wars and terror

And the secret world of shadows

Filled with laugh and dance and song

It seems our notions of black and white

Of right and wrong

Are misguided

How strange it seems

That the secret world of shadows

Should be so luminous

And our world of light

Should be so morose and dark

Maybe we're the world of shadows

And our shadows are the world of light

How ironic indeed

Our notions of light and dark

Right and wrong

Are spot on

But our perspectives are flipped around

But whose to say

That our world of shadows

Couldn't be like their world of light

That secret world of shadows

Might be a secret world of light

How strange indeed

But until the secret world of shadows

Lets us see their perfect world

I fear our world shall continue

On our darkened path

Unless we change our ways

But how I'd like to be a shadow

In that secret world of light

The Never Ending Dance

Wrote this at Arvon, enjoy!

The Never Ending Dance

The music plays

The people dance

So oblivious

We sit in the corner

We smile at one another

Our eyes meet, we look away

Words dying to be released

Dancing gives them release

We don’t dance

Awkward silence

In the blaring noise

Music, apparently

Free spirits for all

We don’t drink

Why did we come

Neither of us know

Or so we say

Time together

Is a realised dream

Time apart is an aching longing

Locking eyes

Blushing cheeks

Aimless conversation

Avoidance of the things

That we both feel

But can never quite say

The music blares

And unsurprisingly

The dance goes on

Arvon

Some (I believe all) of our contributors went on a course at the Arvon Foundation in Totleigh, so I expect that there will soon be an influx of work that was done there (under the guidance of Ann Sansom and Christopher Wakling). Personally I will end up posting two short stories and as many poems as I still like when the time comes...

Here's one I wrote about Arvon called "Arvon List:"

At Totleigh:
big grey minibus
bright red hair
firm handshakes
soft sofas
bread cake
squash (blergh!)
thatched rooves and pig styes
gas heaters and protected swallows
the Big Wooden Table
guitar and piano, Damien Rice
he never, he never
walks by the river - drowning and mud and closed gates
hanging from the rafters
goldfish in the television
driving on the moors, in the snow
coffee
trying so hard to focus
typing, more typing and more typing, like machine-guns
the unforgettable ralph hoyte
more coffee (burned, this time)
writing late into the night
trains and fireworks and glory
my secret poem,
my fountain pen,
words

tame

look how she moves
on the sand by the sea
she glides through the night
illuminated by stars
see how her hands
they beckon to me
as i sing my last song
and put down my guitar

she will tell me
when she thinks it's alright
she will shame me
and take me by surprise
she will sell my soul
for the right price
she will tame me
with [one look of] those eyes

i tell her stories
on the sand by the sea
we talk through the night
and watch the sun rise
i hold her hands
and kiss her slowly
she captivates me
when i look into her eyes

she will throw me
down from a great height
she will hide from me
and tell me many lies
she will run away
and creep back late at night
but she will tame me
with one look of those eyes

travel man

the wilderness lies before you
inside and out
and whichever way you go you're bound to end up lost

tides are sweeping away
memories of home
do we follow in pursuit?
shake them off like rusted chains?
this middle ground is falling away
it will not last

your time is coming
it will not be tomorrow
but you don't have long
so don't waste this opportunity
you fool! you're throwing it away
bleeding it dry
bleeding

and you too will be swept away
by the tide

so choose wisely, travel man
if there is a wise choice you can make
for you only have one chance

and if that doesn't fill you with fear, nothing will

flying kites

we don't fly kites today

the wind tears us into pieces
snarling like a wounded dog,
vicious,
dangerous

and tears fall from the sky
breaking our calm pools of thought
into a thousand ripples,
spreading fast

don't fly your kite today

snatched from your grasp
the pathetic little lifeline of white silk
vanishing upward
and your victory flag ravaged
by the invisible tyrant of the sky

don't fly kites
when the walls come down
and the whipping branches come bearing in
full force
loaded with death
overwhelming
are we losing control?

...no kites in the sky,
they are all buried underground

here comes the rain

this is the first draft of some lyrics for a composition about natural disasters (for a-level m/t)

i heard the thunder coming
out across the bay
the clouds were building as i
headed on my way
home
i saw the shadows falling
far across the fields
i saw the tv playing
all of it in real
time

if you'd care to take the time to lend a hand to help me out i need it now
and if you'd cared enough to see this coming all along i wouldn't be here now

all it ever does is rain

they washed away tomorrow
and washed away my dreams
echoing around my head
sometimes you've gotta scream
out
if all i have is pity
then i'm stuck here for good
you're offering to help me out
i wish to hell you would
sometime

if you knew what we've been through you wouldn't still be sitting on the sideline
i learnt my lines the hard way and i know the script won't be the same next time

all it ever does is rain down
rain down
rain down
on me

Petals In The Dirt

this is a repost (see June) but i always wanted to put the photo and the poem together. the real-life scene inspired the poem, but i took the photo too for backup.


those tears that you cry
from those beautiful eyes
see, they fall like silent raindrops
gracing the parched ground
but only with your sadness

this song that you sing
with your golden voice
so sad a melody,
such bitter words
music within madness

these pictures that you paint
with your gentle hands
so bleak and barren,
hurt and despair
desecrating the canvas

but that time you smiled
despite yourself
in all your angst
and suffering,
revealed your gladness

that time you smiled
that time you laughed
laid to rest the sadness and the hurt
that time you smiled
that time you dried your eyes,
they shine like petals in the dirt

nothing is ever as bad as it seems
your life is a gift and a lesson to be learnt
evil can never fully corrupt your dreams
and every single smile is like a petal in the dirt

The Goldfish Archives

Seeing as we're linking, check out The Goldfish Archives, a collection of short sketches I wrote last year. Tres Amusent, some would say, and others not.

Happy "100th Post To This Site" btw.

Welcome To The Dust Bowl

Those of y'all interested in this thing should check out Jack Barrie's "Welcome To The Dust Bowl" (found here). He's got talent and (at the moment) inspiration: expect great things.

I should point out that it's a blatant rip-off of HoD :p
I like to take credit for other people's good work

we fly low

we fly low.
i no longer feel emotion; the excitement has long since faded away into the smoke of the early days, and anyway, the regret never really hit me until we lay on our bunks afterwards, reflecting back on the day's work. screams and explosions, drowned by the gentle crackle of my radio and the muffled roar of the engines. a day's work.

we fly low - i used to see faces. now i look at the buttons. the faces might still be there, they might not: i see circles and squares, and i see buttons.
once there was a boy, twelve or so, and i caught his eye seconds before he fell lifeless to the ground, staring in awe at my soaring steel bird of prey. i felt sorrow, but i dismissed it: we push buttons, we do not kill. actions have consequences, but buttons do not kill. he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, poor guy, my sympathies to his family, nothing that could be done.

we fly low, and we fly fast. it's us or them. we have speed, agility, hi-tech weapons and buttons to push. but they are a threat to us, and it's us or them. for the greater good.

we fly low. every direct hit is a job well done, but it's what we do best, it's our job, and there is no rejoicing. we take ourselves seriously. those that don't lie in the dust amidst twisted metal claws and bullets. bullets kill people, buttons do not. we fly low, and we fly well, and we do our job, and we hit the targets, and we push the buttons, and we fly low.
no emotion.

November

Cleaning out the computer I found this, an unpublished fragment if you will (if, that is you wish to be a pretensious idiot, and attribute value to a short story I failed to finish or submit). So enjoy, it's January. I believe the purpose of this was to explore narrative voice as my first few were very similar to me...or indeed one was me? I failed to think of names and shit, so I used asterisks. Sue me!

******** stepped out of the backdoor of the warehouse with its distinctive smell of packaging, past the damp cardboard boxes scattered around the tarmac forecourt and into the cold night. The air was cold yet damp, and she thrust her hands deeper into the pockets of her standard issue fleecy overcoat, glad of its surprising warmth. The fog was thick, yet not in the conventional sense. Early November and the nights were getting darker earlier and earlier. It was only about half seven, give or take the few minutes it had taken her to walk from her checkout, down the stairs and past the canteen to clock out, then round the corner and out through the warehouse. It already seemed an age since she had called her cheery goodbye to John.
The streetlights were ensnared in the drifting fog, combining to ooze a sickly orange glow that created a multitude of shadows. Her breath pluming cold, even in the dark, Irene stumped onwards home through the silent streets. Not even a car passed her, the chill nipping against her ears through her conventional bob. The atmosphere was ghostly and ethereal, the almost total silence lending the effect of being submerged under water.
The air had a damp smell to it, but was otherwise mostly clean. Her shoes didn’t exactly clump, but at the same time were hardly silent. A slight scrunching noise over some gravel escaped from a well tended drive. The gloom was pervasive, yet far from oppressive. It was a rich black darkness, striped only by the streetlights and the odd shard from the houses. Behind Venetian blinds a television flickered, a vague hum emanating from the window as she passed it, before returning to insipid rhythm of her progress. Irene was not so much dumpy as plain, but at forty five she was far from her teen image. She had not exactly been slender then.
Despite the cold she was beginning to feel drowsy. A day under the strip lighting had worn her out and the scene was so peaceful. After all, this was Hamilton, hardly the most dangerous of areas. The petty trials of the day started to melt away, leaving her with an empty feeling. She had worked at ******** as a checkout assistant for the last twenty seven odd years, and as far as she was concerned that was how it would stay.
Cars gleamed dully at her, spotted with the odd droplet of condensation. In this light blues blacks and reds were indistinguishable. She passed through the looming shadow of one of the trees dotted spasmodically down the road. The darkness was given an almost tangible feel, the floor immediately around the tree littered with dead leaves unsullied or stirred by breeze.

RE: Modern Art

I apologise, it was not my place.

In reality, I like to see my writing as the "modern art" of poetry.
Obviously other people won't see it like that, they'll just see squares on blank paper. Or the scribbles of a baby.

Which is exactly what it is.

circle the world

dry your eyes
i'll be alright
i can see the tunnel
and i can see the light
don't hold onto the hurt
but watch for the sunrise
just remember to smile
and dry your sweet eyes

i'll still be here
in the morning breeze
you can still hear me singing
'midst the leaves in the trees
so just let me go,
i'll leave with the tide
i'll circle the world
and be here at your side

my hand grows cold
and my voice is so dry
i don't have much longer
but i'll be fine
so take a deep breath
and jump over the side
if you let it all go
you'll be alright

My Response To Modern Art, Part II

"Numbers"

one
two two
three three three
four four four four
five five five five five
six six six six six six
seven seven seven seven seven seven seven
eight eight eight eight eight eight eight eight
nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine


for part one. just sorta... came to me

shadowblind

i sit in your shadow
and you smile down at me
you're my friend - you are my friend, aren't you?
i am safe in your presence and you tolerate me with such patience that i feel overvalued

has there been some mistake?

i push the boat out and relax despite the currents that tug gently beneath
do i feel uncertain? i don't know
- did i just prove my point?
i think so

and then i realise that your shadow
fails to reveal your features;
the snarl upon your face
your sharp teeth and claws

your shadow is blindness and i
am blind

where is she?

written last spring, based on the poem La Belle Dame Sans Merci

beautiful eyes that pierced my heart
my silver-tongued lover, my soul-searching all
sweet, blood-red lips whose touch i still feel
a voice soft as velvet, the nightingale's call

she lead me and left me alone on a hill
high over the world, unsheltered and cold
'though ever her promises ring in my ear
i know not her purposes, nor ever was i told

still those eyes, those lips, return to my mind
and the touch of her hand stays warm on my arm
yet she lingers away and the dream is dispelled
awakened i am lost, confused, disarmed

where are you now, my comfort, my rescue?
to hold you again is all i desire
where are you now, my lover, my friend?
for in my heart are ashes where once there was fire

a moderate and rational reflection upon our state of wellbeing

we go round and round in circles
look, there's your tail between your legs
dead ahead
but you turn the corner and vanish

when i lose sight of you i lose all direction
where can i go?
emptiness surrounds me
but i see your shadow
it turned this way
and there you are
and i will follow

we go down and down in spirals
i think you're leading me on
but i might be wrong
it could be the other way around

if i lose you i lose all affection
no-one will love me
i cherish myself
if i didn't i'd give up now
we slip and slide
because without me you have nobody

we go forward
or is it backward?
linear progression
no deviation
and no end in sight

Joe and shit....

Well I dunno what kinda audience we have (if any?), but here goes. This is loosely termed my "portfolio". It features excerpts from my works, and is adressed to Universities, and as such may sound a bit stilted. But..enjoy for now 'cos it's all I've got at the mo. Anway's Ill do a Tim Armstrong and drop 'em peice by peice..there are four. Happy reading!

My first piece, provisionally titled “Just a day” was begun in June 2006, shortly after the AS exams. There was a feeling of apathy and pointlessness throughout my college, as the last month of the term was regarded as irrelevant due to the completion of the exams. I had just finished reading “White Male Heart” by Ruairidh Nicoll, having also recently re-read “Trainspotting”. During the summer holidays I also read “Shawnie” by Ed Trewavas which furthered my perspective of the city in which I live. My friends and I spent hours on end doing nothing, lazing about in parks and gardens, basking in the glorious sunshine by day, before enjoying the Bristol nightlife, festivals and concerts. However, I began to wonder what it would be like if instead of continuing our studies, we had decided to drop out of education. How would things be if we perhaps lived somewhere else, a place like those depicted in the books I read. What would we get up to with no prospects of education? With nothing better to do I decided to write a “Just a day”. It actually took a lot longer to finish than I expected, and I only “completed” it in late October. As such, it has a very fragmented feel to it, as my life progressed and changed. Nevertheless, I feel it is one of my best works to date and have included my favourite parts:

“Fuckin’ ‘ell boy! Can’t see straight can you?”. Gordon continued to mentally berate himself as he began to attempt to co-ordinate his muscles to attain some semblance of perambulation. “You’re a proper waster isn’t it! You live in a pokey council flat see, with no job and spend all day down the pub!”. It was precisely to avoid this mental self-inquisition that each day without fail Gordon, or “Gord”, as he was known to the clique of regulars, drank himself into a stupor before the day was three quarters full. He only left when his behaviour or lack of funds precipitated his expulsion by the land-lord. Today it was the latter. Whilst father was on the move, son was certainly not going anywhere.

A-levels, college and employment were the furthest from Chaz’s mind as he slumped on the bench, his brain buzzing on a cocktail of solvents and cider. Two young mothers exited the park, children in tow, taking them past the bench, Chaz and his two compatriots. His partners in crime were “Stony” Tony (known thusly for his gargantuan marijuana intake) and Phil, known for nothing other than being almost as big a dropout as Chaz himself. The bench was surrounded by empty two litre bottles of White Lightning cider, their discarded caps gleaming immaculate blue in the warm sunshine. Nervously glancing towards the bench, predictably coated in Graffiti, the young mothers saw the three nearly comatose yobs, shaven headed, dressed in grubby tracksuits of varying makes, all clad in pristine, prison white Reebok Classics.

Chaz was the biggest of the three with a semi-permanent grimace, only ever alleviated by the influence of alcohol or drugs. A small scar over his eyebrow showed where a disagreement had resulted in a bottle to the head. Nevertheless, the scar paled in comparison to the return he had inflicted on his adversary. Stony was definitely shorter, and slightly overweight. His diet of cigarettes, dope, and the subsequently craved junk food had done nothing for his physique, although he was still formidable in a punch up – indeed a regular occurrence. His sheer bulk made him a powerful fighter. They never missed an opportunity to recline on his plush sofas, albeit reeking of stale smoke and Tetrahydrocannabinol tainted B.O.

Phil on the other hand resembled a weasel, albeit a slightly disfigured one. Telltale sores plagued his face, as if a small animal had been biting chunks of flesh out, clearly marking him as a heavy solvent (ab)user. Having lived in Bristol till his family’s repeated breaching of the peace had led to them being expulsed from the council flat in which they had resided; his voice carried a strong Bristol burr. His brain muddied, and his already few inhibitions removed, Chaz decided to initiate conversation with the young women in the time honoured Abercynon tradition.

eyes

choose your ending

i open my eyes. sitting on the couch, head
swimming, and my eyes are drawn to the clock:
eleven fifteen.
and the voices are talking to me. i blink, they
haven't even noticed my absence. one, two,
three, four, five bottles on the floor. i excuse
myself politely: on my return they are still
engrossed in each others' tedious conversations.
i find the drinks table, and, a little
unsteadily open bottle six. i am tired beyond
belief, i think aloud as i yawn. that's a shame,
she says, and i realise with a shock that she is
standing mere inches away, pouring red wine into
an elegant glass and smiling at me. inside i
feel myself shiver. i'd hate to think that you
would have to leave so soon, she continues, and
that is it. i am lost in conversation. we
progress from the table to the sofa, to the
fireplace, to the window and back to the drinks
table. i don't even notice our physical
movement, only the flowing patterns of our
discussion which travels gently from interest to
interest without once breaking its flow. and she
pours the same glass of wine, smiling the same
smile. you're fucking gorgeous, i mumble out
loud, and realise that the room has fallen
silent.

//the last person has left, the door shutting
slowly behind him, and it is just us. at the
drinks table. and for the first time, neither of
us has anything to say. then she moves closer
and kisses my lips so that i can taste her,
sweeter than the red wine. she pushes me back
onto the sofa, i fall dizzily into the cushions,
and i close my eyes.

//in the distance a car engine starts and i
realise she has already gone. it is too late. i
sigh with despair - why do my mind and body
always fail to co-operate in these situations? -
and i collapse onto the sofa, and i close my
eyes.

A Brief History Of "The House Of Dreams"

...and Robin Mitchell's life, and everything to date.

This is for those of you who were directed here following my MySpace bulletin, or just for those of you that are interested.

I originally intended The House Of Dreams to be a place where many different young writers could share poetry and short stories for the enjoyment of all and sundry. I got as far as getting my sister involved (she's since quit again - busy gal) before I drowned the place with my own stuff and sorta lost the vision. "Hettie" wrote some great stuff by the way so I suggest you check it out in the early archives.

Anyway, I now want to rekindle that vision, and if you're at all interested in becoming a "contributor" (warning: that means a "blogger") then just let me know. Pretty much anything is welcome, short of explicit sex stories and anti-semitism.

x

loneliness is bitterness
and bitterness is beautiful
and beautiful is ugly when
we all fall upside down
passionate is painful
and painfulness is power
and power is a weakness
inside your deepest self

crude words are wonderful
hatred is pitiful
self-deception is necessary
and life is death
and you,
my friends,
are nothing

there

i wrote this song as a sort of follow up to Damien Rice's "Prague." that song stuck in my head for so long i had to answer it with something of my own. it's a response to the narrator of "Prague."

spent last night out in town
woke up this morning with all of this to keep me down
shoulda been ready to fly
should have been moving when the next wave took to the sky

i should've been there for you
when you fell from grace
i should've been there for you
to take one last look at your face

spent the morning in bed
wondering if i'd be better off dead
spent the afternoon by the sea
watching and wondering if you'd come home again to me

i should have been there from you
when you were going through hell
i should've stuck up for you
because i've been there as well
and i should've been there for you
when you fell out of the sky
i should've been there for you
it was my turn, not your turn to die

walk away from the kill
think of those people one by one, like camera stills
falling inside and out
self-inflicted, there's no need to scream and shout

you could have been there for me
just waited one more day
and i'd have been there for you
to help you on the way
i could have been there for you
if you'd really cared enough to wait
i'd be there for you
if you needed me to love more than you needed to hate

time will never wait

i wrote a poem called "time will never wait for me." now i've converted it into lyrics. i lost the flow in the middle when i went to have lunch... typical.

time will never wait for me
sweeping by, a rushing wind
find it hard to find my feet
let alone where to begin
the sun is chasing through the sky
i watch when the birds fly south
and know that i'll be left behind
now i'm falling so far down

time will never wait for me
i see you standing, tall and fair
when yesterday you were a child
today you kill me with your stare
and all the hopes and dreams i had
have lost momentum on the way
i sit with what you've left behind
and watch you as you fly away

time will never wait for me
the world has changed its face again
i left you with the morning sun
but return in pouring rain
and you stand strong and bathed in light
when i can't seem to stand at all
your triumph knows no pity
i am helpless as i fall

time will never wait for me
only sweep me off my feet
don't know where i'm supposed to be
time will never wait for me

"Judge Me," In Standard English

I'm trying to work how I structure things without using punctuation and standard grammar. Here is how "Judge Me" would look (sort of) in Standard English:

Don't judge me, baby, by the things that I say: man will always talk to man, and surely we all make mistakes? But I need you to take me for all that I am, and reality surfaces too little this day and age. I recognise you when I look deep into your eyes - a gateway to your soul - and when I touch your lips to mine I can taste you beneath the disguise... Can you see through my lies?
Don't judge me, baby, I need one person to believe. I need it to be you who percieves, and who can change me with that belief. So don't desert me if you really know me, and don't wish to hurt me - I can make it up to you by being real, and isn't that all that you need?
But please don't judge my words, my actions, thoughts and deeds - for what is man but an instant, and what is an instant in our infinity?
I need you to believe in me despite the fact that all that I am is a disgrace and a disaster; I need you to read between the lines when I lie to your face just to spite you; and I need you to accept me when you realise that everything I am is nothing, and yet somehow, everything I am is for you.

judge me

don't judge me, baby
by the things that i say
man will always talk to man
and surely we all make mistakes?
but i need you to take me
for all that i am
and reality surfaces too little this day and age

i recognise you
when i look deep into your eyes
a gateway to your soul
and when i touch your lips to mine
i can taste you
beneath the disguise

can you see through my lies?

don't judge me, baby,
i need one person to believe
i need it to be you who percieves
and who can change me with that belief
so don't desert me
if you really know me
and don't wish to hurt me
i can make it up to you
by being real
and isn't that all that you need?

but please don't judge my words
my actions, thoughts and deeds
for what is man but an instant,
and what is an instant in our infinity?
i need you to believe in me
despite the fact that all that i am
is a disgrace and a disaster
i need you to read between the lines
when i lie to your face just to spite you
and i need you to accept me
when you realise that everything i am is nothing
and yet somehow, everything i am
is for you

excuse me

excuse me
could you just
take a second
to explain
everything?

i promise i'll listen

a deeper understanding

when you walk past me in the corridor
i can feel it in my pocket
and the air moves behind you
three seconds late
who's that girl on your arm?
does she understand you like i do,
does she see the beauty in those eyes?
i can almost taste you
because you know me too
i saw your eyes meet mine
that one time

don't brush past me
i'm weak
i'm humble
i would give it up for you
and they would hate me
they don't trust me
they don't trust people like us
i'll give it up for you, boy
because i know you understand me
(do you? please say you do)

well i coulda sworn you brushed my hand
in that corridor
but when i met your eyes
you saw right through me
to that girl behind
she doesn't know my name
does she feel the same way i do?
i don't think she understands you
but you only long for Her

a passionate lover indeed

i... i... i...
i'm sorry, i don't know why...
i... i... i...
wasn't in my right mind...
i... i... i...
can't control myself right now...
i... i... i...

i could... could've
could've stopped
i... i could've stopped before getting here
i... i should've known
i should have known it would end up here
i... i... i...
i'm sorry

so pale and so calm now
my darling
i... i...
i will always love you
i swear it
i didn't mean it
come back to me
i... i... could've
could have...

i'm... so sorry...
did you know...?
you knew... i know you knew...
my love why would you let me do this to you?
and you're still bleeding in my arms
i... i knew... i didn't know... i...

please come back to me...
come back to life...
i...

out

hi honey
i'm not sure you remember me
look into my eyes
do you remember me?
do you remember these?
do you have any
regrets?
please share
you know that i care
i've been there
i know

dear god i know
how you feel inside
so damn well
i almost want to die
i could take it from someone else
but not you
you don't loathe me
but now you're getting sick of me
and i can't
get
you
out
of
my
heart

.

even the hardest things
seem slightly easier
the next morning

Proceed Alone

put down the weapon
place your hands above your head
don't look up
take a step forward

proceed alone

don't ever...

don't you ever leave
i think you know
i wouldn't last one day
don't you ever leave
this is my dream
and you complete the scene
so keep hold of my hands
and i'll make it all okay
i'll take it off your hands
i'll make it work
i'll keep it clean

i'll keep it real
forget the emptiness
i'll never go
there's nowhere else for me
forget the load
and leave it by the roadside

don't you ever leave
i think you know
what that would do to me
don't you ever leave
this is my home
when you are here with me
cuz home is where the heart is
and my heart is in your hands
so don't you ever leave
don't tear me in two
i'll keep it clean

don't you ever leave

don't you ever cry
don't you ever die
don't you ever leave me
wondering why
don't lie to me, don't lie
don't leave me by the side
don't bring tears to my eyes
don't sit and watch me dry
don't let me pass you by
don't let me slip or slide
because i...

nobody dies...

song lyrics. it's a shame that some of the original poetic element is lost, but it's a blues song so it needs rhythm

saw that smile
out in the street
as we passed by
that fateful day

couldn't read your eyes
when you looked away
i couldn't stop staring
as you passed me by

your name all over
my front page
who are you, sir?
i know the face

you caught my eye
i didn't catch your name

gone

i'll do more than just
eat your soul
consume your all
bitter thoughts,
sweet love,
don't look at me

look at the floor, don't
look at me
how dare you

stands accused
of sexual harrasment
with his eyes
"i can admit that"
and i'll do more than just plead guilty
i can make you plead
make you scream
make you bleed

don't talk to me,
don't raise your voice at me
how dare you

the love is gone
but something else remains

how dare you

house of dreams

you caught your breath
when you entered my house of dreams
but you didn't really understand me

i felt the tears rise
when you destroyed everything i sought to build
in the space of seconds
with your words -
cruel words
and sticks and stones
because you didn't really understand me

but because i can understand you
i can forgive
even if it's the hardest thing in the world

why do you wage these wars
when it's easier to live in peace
all it takes is a little self-control
a little bit of empathy
can't you try
a little harder
or is that too pathetic?

your world-view depresses me
so i run to my house of dreams
in my refuge i can find some comfort
but you don't understand
and you never try to

nobody dies without leaving a mark

when you smiled
as we passed in the street
i knew you
somehow

she laughed sometimes
at the little things
that matter
to us all

i couldn't read your eyes
when you hid your face
behind the paper

i couldn't stop staring
as you passed me by

your name all over
my front page
who are you, sir?
i know the face

i didn't catch your name

when the lights go out

this is a great song, powerful with rising and falling dynamics and a beautiful guitar part. can't wait to record it...

it's a matter of time
a matter of fate
one hand in the sky
one foot in the grave
it's an issue we face
or a destiny
a defeat we embrace
when it's easy

will you hold my hand
when the lights go out?
i'll wait for the end with you

it's a battle we fight
it's a choice that we make
we don't recognise
every little mistake
but the lights in the skies
are beginning to fade
it's the price of our lives
it's a matter of fate

it's a question of worth
it's a question of us
it's a choice that we've made
so far

please hold my hand
when the sky blacks out
i'll wait for the end...
...with you

lead me down (alt lyrics)

changed to fit better with the song

always see you smile
watching from the side
laughing to my face
on your terms
i can hear you breathe
can't read your mind
wish i understood
what you want

don't look back,
don't look this way
laugh out loud,
don't act that way
i hear your voice
i don't hear what you say
please don't lead me down this way

always lag behind
take me to one side
the twinkle in your eye
doesn't take me by surprise
but then you turn away
i'll wait another day
something to prove
something to lose

she looks

not a song, but it might be

she looks at me
like pornography
here eyes see through me
her smile undresses me
does she know i'm afraid
is that why she smiles?
such a malicious opportunity

she tastes blood
like sweet sugar
exotic nature, entangled
in this love affair
does she see that i'm scared?

she sees through me
to what lies beneath
she knows what she needs
she knows what she
wants

she tastes blood
in her mouth, trickling down
her desire knows no bounds
she sees through me
to what she needs
she feeds her soul
empty

wet

the raindrops fall
echoing into the depths, reflecting
the outside world that looms dark and ominous

your tears also fall that way,
to the floor -
lifeless, expressionless, absorbing
the lives of the lovers, the haters and the fearful -
and the tears breathe life into that floor
for pain is life, and what is life without pain?
and that sticky surface of hard plastic,
encased with the grime of decades
is, for a moment, a rainbow of emotion
a molten pool of beauty, anguish and confusion,
swirling red-hot beneath the lino,
for a moment...
and against the windows the raindrops roll
slipping and sliding

here's your liquid disaster
one drop at a time,
into the puddle on the streets below
reflecting, still reflecting
everything without
and within

and you dry your eyes and walk out into the rain
is it a futile gesture?

Christmas Rain

this song is an exploration, almost an experiment. please don't judge me by it, but if you find it helpful then i'm happy. happy christmas.

i was talking to God one december night
when the snow hadn't come for another year
he had to leave early and he left me behind
clouding everything that had become so clear

i was crying alone on Christmas eve
the ghost of the present was haunting me
so i ran to the rooftops and sang to the breeze
but the stars frowned at me for disturbing the peace

i called up my ex-girlfriend from a telephone booth
to see if she had anything left to say
but she couldn't understand me when i talked in metaphors
so i left her to listen to Christmas day

i was crying alone on Christmas eve
because i'd taken with me everything i'd wanted to leave
watching happy faces with rosy-red cheeks
and wondering if anyone was waiting for me

i even left the country for a year and a day
came back three months later but it was all the same
i told the man beside me something needed to change
and walked out of the station into the winter rain

i was crying alone on Christmas eve
when someone took my hand and led me into the street
she showed me what it meant to be humanity
and then i realised where i was meant to be

i was talking to God but he still wouldn't reply
everything implied that it wasn't the time
i walked out of the room with a tear in my eye
but i knew somewhere inside that it would be alright

i was crying alone on Christmas day
cuz there are some things you can't ever change
but i felt sorta peaceful in the Christmas rain
there's hope at the end of the hurt and the pain
i was standing alone on Christmas day,
that's just who i am and it's sometimes hard to take
but when the curtain closes and the stage lights fade
there's peace meant just for you on Christmas Day

step outside

new song: "the bends" era radiohead meets feeder in a fight

come on, let's take a ride outside
feel that fresh air blowing in
we're like candles in the wind, you and i
our stability and pride, it's all there,
it's everywhere

come on, let's step outside, breathe outside,
walk outside and maybe try to compromise and
understand the reasons why we're sick inside, God
knows why, alone and lonely late at night, that's
when we cry, without our pride, let's step
outside

break

this is only me
i need to get out
out of this system, out of this place
because it hurts me
and it's crushing my spirit
if you knew, if you only knew
but you could never understand
because i and only i am me
if only
hypothetics are useless
we only talk in woulds and shoulds and coulds
and it burns me up inside
so who can help me out
if no-one understands?
i need to get out
because the cycles drain like a sink
and the weights are heavy
when they go, when they go
is when i will be free
until them i am trapped
crushed
choked
and it hurts me
if you knew, if you only knew
it burns me up inside

To Be Heard

like the voice in the desert
but the people are here,
in their millions
crowding
and the message is not hope
but vain self-promotion
a struggle against
the victorious tide
and as it drowns me out again
i wonder why
i even tried

good enough? (end)

i wrote this a while ago, and it featured when we played the song at the loui. similar tune to the chorus, over the same chords...

look at them, how hard they try
to bring us down, to kill our pride
but you and i will never die
we'll never fall, we only fly
so take my hand and touch the sky
and leave them and their lies behind
help me seek until we find
cuz we can see where they're still blind

just can't let you go

this is a song i wrote a few weeks back. oh, if you could hear the melody, and the guitar part... it just works so well
the first stanza of each verse is whispered, and the second is sung.

i just want to touch those lips to mine,
such a bitter envy that crawls through my skin
i just wanna hold your hand in mine
and go back to who we were before it all went wrong

and now i can't even look you in the eye
you wouldn't know it if you couldn't see right through me
but deep down, it burns me up inside
still so in reach, but you're so far away

it's last thing i would do
to fall in love with you
what kind of fool does that make me?
you've heard it all before

honey, we could have seen it through
i guess that's exactly what they say every time
i still want to hold your hand in mine
what kind of sucker can't get over it in time?

how can you walk by me so calm and so cool?
i still can't even look into your eye
your magnet still stuck to my soul
that poison you fed me still working through

i just can't let you go

break

you're breaking up
can you say that again?
somebody let you loose
on the radiowaves
counting gunshots
and the bullets in your back
i never let you down
or turned away

i never hid my face
to protect my cause
i've got what's mine
and you've got what's yours
don't lose face
when they come for you
can you still stand up?
can you still face up to them?

so many years
since anyone cared
the light's getting smaller
and further away
counting up the numbers
of everything you lost
we never forget
can you still stand straight?

can you walk the line
after all this time?
the chance has come around
don't let it slip by

all the little lost causes
in all the hidden corners
we never forget
long may you stand strong

lead me down

i can see you smiling
like you know you want to
your laughter so misleading,
what is it you're saying?
i can hear you breathing
don't know what you're thinking
i wish i could be hearing
everything you're feeling

don't look back,
don't look this way
laugh out loud,
don't act that way
i hear your voice
i don't hear what you say
please don't lead me down this way

it's ever so attractive
as if you didn't know it
the twinkle in your eye
doesn't take me by surprise
so very distracting
you're too damn good at bluffing
whatever you've got to prove
whatever i've got to lose

don't talk that way
don't look that way
don't walk by me
with that smile on your face
as if you read me
it seems way too easy
so i know where it's leading
(please don't lead me on)

Her Eyes

a pretty little song i wrote about half a year ago

laced with tears
clouds in blue skies
yesterday's hurt
or her inside playing tricks on her?

echoing light
outshines her smile
something i said
or something she thought

meet me again, meet my gaze
only you make me feel this way
we've been holding on for days
let me look into your eyes

mirror glass
look, there i am
reflected as whole
but where has she gone?

open doors
inviting me in
wide, welcoming
bringing me home

A Message To The (Former) Iraqi President, Mr Saddam Hussein

i hate to see how it turned out
but it was always gonna be this way
you've done a lot of shit, my friend
we can't hide it nor pretend

they took your country, took your pride
you fought them hard but lost it all
your bitter tongue can't help you out
you never whisper, only shout

you don't know me,
don't think you'd care much if you did
we share a birthday,
the only thing we've got going on
i read about you
in the newspaper today
they want you dead
which brings us right back to square one

and though i know you got it all so wrong
i don't think you deserve to die
i guess i'd seen it coming all along
i wish that someone else would realise

death by firework

burning flowers in the sky
and pretty sparks that catch my eye
fireflies and moonbeams
burning with the stuff of dreams
it only takes a second
it seems to last forever

aiming far, aiming high
rockets burning as they fly
captivate and hypnotise
lighting up november skies
it only takes a second
but it can change forever

racing wide, shooting low
reflexes are just too slow
one moment of roaring pain
brings us down to earth again
it only took a second
but it will last forever

red and blue, flashing light
running footsteps in the night
life support and blood loss
every pleasure has its cost
it only takes a second

captivated

captivated
by everything you do...
...to me...
(everything)

you take over control of me
every time i hear you speak
empty lessons never teach
only lead to disbelief
i never learned the way to breathe
i just rely on you to lead
never learned to write or read
i just follow, you just lead

i let you in again this time
couldn't even stand to fight
take it all, take your time
lead me on, mile by mile
something glistened in your eye
felt it pulling deep inside
driving all my instincts wild
i let you in to live my life

i let you lie here at my side
feels a lot like suicide
once bitten, twice shy
said i'd never do it twice
take my heart and reach inside
twist my mind, bleed me dry
taking over, set your sights
this broken life no longer mine

A Prayer

God of the impossible,
take this broken soul
take this broken spirit
take this broken world

bullet in your head

"we're here to take care of you"
how do you know
who's right and who's wrong
and how do you show
what you've got to do
without messing it all up?
someone could get hurt
yeah, it's too late for that
you're hopeless alive
a disturbance when dead
so we can leave you to it
or end it all
with a bullet in your head

what's really going on

i guess i never know
what's really going on
most of the time i see different things
and it's so hard to tell right from wrong
the world's such a big place
and life is so small
it's hard not to wonder
why bother living at all?
comprehension is hard
but feelings are easy
they don't make much sense
but come naturally to me
i can't tell you why
but you'll know what i mean
you don't need to use words
if it resonates deep
explanations are pointless
cuz they just make things worse
confusion's so simple
when you live life here on earth
where no-one knows what's really going on
(but secretly we love it)

A Little Verse

To the tune/rhythm of the "Rain Down" mid-section in "Paranoid Android" by Radiohead

you've got no
resolve
i've got no
control
together
we fall
down and down, floor by floor
we'll never
get back up,
in all this downpour
it always rains down
it always rains down on us

Sorry

Haven't posted any lovely new poems for a while cuz... there aren't any.
Been to busy recording etc. to write stuff, gosh.

Don't worry, that's all over now.

heavy weight

help me carry this
heavy weight
i can't move it
help me figure this
puzzle out
it's so confusing

and what it does to me
it won't let me sleep,
even haunts my dreams
you know it's so easy to...

bigger and faster, you don't wanna mess with them
started off as enemies, now let's be friends
i'll pay for your war if you pay for mine
if we've got time, we've got time, let's make time

bombs at the airports, bombs all around us
no-one i can take in, no-one i can trust
sell you out to the cops or i'll shoot you on the train
we can lock each other up and then we'll all be safe

choking, choking, grabbing, shouting
shooting, throwing, stabbing, wasting,
falling, falling, screaming, falling
looking, looking but not moving
we can see what we are doing
but we don't want to stop just yet

So Warm, So Fake

definitely one of the best things i've written

small as a speck
in a world of raindrops
every step you take you drown
and still they push you further
still they push you down

and here is my frozen heaven
your hands can't touch it
and your eyes can't see it
all in my head? i wish it was true
every time i think
i think of you

where is our wild landscape
of passion and tradgedy
when all our friends
have let us go
it feels so warm
but still so fake
here at last we cross the line
go through the gate
and there's nothing

and i still can't find you

when?

wrote this one ages ago... was actually feeling nearly as desperate as it sounds...

when are you coming back for me
so alone and so in need
this world has nothing left
no hope that i can see

when are you coming back for us
in you our faith, in you our trust
everything has burnt away
wood to ash, flesh to dust

where's the fire in the sky
to open up our dreamy eyes
everything will be alright
the Son will make the darkness light

when are you coming back for us
we're not ready but we never will be
you know so much more than us
you know everything we need

Nothing Else

In the deepest and simplest terms, a worship song:

I am yours,
I wanna live for you, breathe for you,
give it all for you

Nothing else can make it work
And life itself will one day take it's toll
But fear won't drive me to your arms
Your love will call me, and love will save my soul

Humble me inside,
Take away my selfish pride
That I may live for you and only you

I'm happy to be called your own
Now I truly know what you have done
Rescued from captivity
Set free by your sacrafice, your son

Set me free
So I can be the one you want me to be,
Be the one you made me to be

So set me free
Nothing else can do it

who cares for my soul?

Brother Andrew gave a talk at Soul Survivor in which he included quite a lot about his work with terrorists and extremists. he said that their motivation, the reason behind their actions, could be summed up in one line from a psalm: "who cares for my soul?" i tried to empathise:


who cares for my soul?
you've gone again
my spirit's empty
i feel it, i cry out to
nothing
who can heal my pain?
abandoned to
my enemies

and there is nothing i can do
and there is no-one i can cry out to

fear, fear, this is the only
road to paradise
give my word, give my all
take me, make me, break me
love, hate, do what you say
take your good advice
i'll take them down when i go down
i'll take them down with me

who cares for my soul?
i cry out
i shout to you
you never call, you never answer
never
ever healed my pain
forsaken by my
one and only

one way out, that's what they've shown me
now my life is flashing before me

faith

you could only dream of moments like this
warmest depth of perfect peace
safer than i've ever felt
i know i'm loved beyond belief

faith,
you can't think it
you gotta feel it
to believe it
you could only dream
of moments like this

you could only dream of moments like this
a deep embrace, my friends, my brothers
arm in arm and heart in heart
held safe by Him and no other

and He is alive
yeah he's with us
you can feel it
so believe it
you could only dream
of moments like this

city life

street light, headlight
city street at midnight
cable and satellite
fading in, fading out

red line, yellow line,
don't mind me passing by
orange fire in the sky,
fading in, fading out

i don't wanna grow,
no i don't wanna grow old
i want to live out everything
that i could ever dream
and live in the city

car alarm, fire alarm
it's noise, not a call to arms
listen, it won't do no harm
fading in, fading out

traffic light, red light
keep-out stop sign
i wish i knew what lies behind
fading in, fading out

and all the faces,
you can see the faces
passing by
it's no wonder we live so close by
we can't look each other in the eye
but we all belong here

nothing

is this all there is?
empty eternities for empty souls
the complete, the whole
still missing;
searching through infinity
for what? the answer to humanity's
unwordable question,
and does it even exist
or is this all there is?
a giant cardboard cutout
of nothing

restless under vast skies
expanses too big to comprehend
and i'm waiting on feeble human nature
to parch my desperate thirst
if i ever find out the truth
it'd better be worth the build up
the punch-line i can see arriving
isn't gonna make me laugh

hell, i'm too tired to rhyme
and too frustrated to think
so i'll leave you some modern art
a square on a square
and guess what fills up
the eternal background?
from here it looks
like nothing

tears

something disconcerting
in the way she walks
out of the room and down the corridor
throws open the windows
as the rain lashes down
she screams out her name to the heart of the storm

something familiar
about her face
shines in the mirror free from disguise
tears that fall
to the sparkling floor
still carry the hurt and depth of those eyes

something confusing
but bigger and deeper
quickly reach over and grab another drink
a useless distraction
but safer than action
you miss too much these days if you stop to think

it's easy to know when something's not right
and your mind and heart and soul ache in the night
it's ok baby, it's ok, don't cry
just let it go, let it pass you by

she could never find the way to let it go,
now you don't know, you don't know
she never the words to say
(you just let her throw her life away)

Empty Rooms (at the end of the day)

the corridor
long and empty
where whispers fade,
sunbathed rooms
with soft cushions
yet no comfort,
the busy smiles
and laughter that echoes
and bounces back in my face when everyone leaves,
and empty rooms,
empty rooms that mean so much
no-one inside
no-one let inside
and no-one will stay behind to talk
at the end of the day

Sonnet - Life Without Love

if life is love then life has never been;
life needed love, then life is yet without
if life with love has fields of deeper green
and life without love is ever in drought
then life thus far has been empty vacum
without sweetest flour or greenest field
for in my life true love is yet to bloom
and the fruits of deepest love, yet to yield
though love i have known, both to give and take
and love i have given and so recieved
but still my fragile heart is yet to break
of true love i am yet to be berieved
but though i wait for true love and true pain
my life without love has not been in vain

i'll see you there

i'll see you there with all of this
hurt and hate and all this bullshit
your face so pale, your eyes so bright
tell me dear, are you alright?
revenge is not on my agenda,
i just want to make amends
this flesh of mine won't let me rest
so we'll have to wait until the end

i'll see you there in all your power
contrasted with my many scars
in your hand our tangled love
an empty shadow of what it was
i hurt you? did i, really?
that's why you wouldn't come near me?
two wrongs never made a right
i know you know so don't deny

well guess who ended up the worst?
i sleep in a box in the back of a hearse
you can laugh cuz i would too
until i show you what i've really been through
one thing i've got left to say
before we go our seperate ways:
i'll see you again at the end
and maybe then we'll make amends
maybe then i'll let you in
maybe then we can be friends
i'll see you there, there at the end

semi-sonnet

a heart's misled direction that wasn't how it seemed
a path unmapped, untravelled, that then led astray
life revealed in reality and not how it was dreamed
and now the dream has gone and reality will stay
not love nor lack of love but plain misunderstanding
feelings strong that weakened and yet could have remained
love became less giving and grew more demanding
selfishness aroused and selfish desire inflamed
now love is still not empty, yet never will return
and hearts that tried and failed love have a lesson yet to learn

tic-toc

minutes, seconds, hours
rolling
gone again,
slipping, sliding,
falling
wasted and discarded
hampered and hindered
by other things to do
tangled, mangled,
trapped
by time

Lonely

Drowning, isolated
beneath the silky black surface
The ripples of hope fade
and the sun sets,
no light beneath the water
where everything dies

newsreader

hey mr dream man,
tell me another story
i can't sleep when the bombs are falling
such a strange dreamworld
when i close my eyes
i can still hear the people calling
shuffling papers
yesterday's news
just the sound of children screaming
starved of life
can't bear to watch
just as well i'm only dreaming
i don't like this
bedtime story,
can't sleep with the gunshots sounding
see the fear,
watch them running,
their eyes in tears and hearts pounding
who's the good guy,
where's the hero?
stop now, please don't turn the page
waiting for
the happy ending
but i'm slipping, losing faith
this is murder
this is sick
shut the curtains, bar the door
it's real late
and i can't sleep
but i don't want to hear any more

Helpless

this is a song, possibly for a music tech. composition later in the year. there is no music yet.


helpless
cuz i can't quite be
who you want me to, who you need me to
useless
cuz i can't quite do
the things i gotta do, the things i'm needed to
clueless
cuz i can't quite see
what i'm supposed to, what i should do
helpless
cuz i can't quite be
the person i'm meant to, the person i was made to

i could keep on getting up
every time i let myself down
i could just pretend that everything
has always been ok
and i could just let you believe
that i am who you want me to be
i could just pretend it
but i can't go on this way

spotless
arms open wide
nothing i can hide, nothing i can lie
careless
without hesitation
nothing to lose and through with life
restless
lying in the dark
needing some fulfillment, looking for an answer
helpless
hands tied to my sides
this isn't what i wanted, this isn't what i asked for

wanting
something more than this
something i can inhale, something i can embrace
looking
for somewhere further out
searching for a haven, a hidden hiding place
hoping
for life beyond life
a smile through the tears and a gleam in the eye
dreaming
of everything i dare
a world without limits, and wings so i can fly

falling

This is a problem, we need some help
The buttons aren't working, no-one heard my shout
Disaster approaching, let's go red alert
Too late to stop somebody getting hurt
And all this is my fault and all of it's yours
Blame the effects and hide from the cause
We always do this and we never change
Caught in the crosshair and now within range
Derailing, failing, system self-destruct
We're more than just emotionally messed up
This is the end but we missed the start
Your good heart won't save you and you can't save your heart

Just failing ourselves, over again
And all of the stars are fading away
The deeper I swim the harder to breathe
Downward in spirals, they play tricks on me
Mind in a mess, caught in a snare
Over too far, gone beyond repair
The answers aren't coming so where do we turn?
Light our pyres and watch ourselves burn

On the same boat but we're pushing each other
Over the side, sister and brother
You couldn't control us without magic spells
Cuz some of us can't even control ourselves
Let's get to grips and get back on our feet
Before we give in to despair and defeat
But wait, it's too late, this is fate, this is destiny
I can't believe this is all that is left for me
Well time's running out and the clock is still ticking
So get busy walking, stop crawling and kicking

If we all turned together to do what we could
I'm not sure if it would change a thing
And even anesthetic or euthenasia
Couldn't prevent or diminish the sting
The world is crumbling beneath our feet
Where do we turn when it falls away?
I don't know how long I've got left here
I don't know how long I've got left to stay

fox

i just see him slinking
in-between hedges
as i come walking home

at the sound of my footsteps
he stops and turns
calm and casual

we make eye contact
for a few moments,
staring each other down

i walk away and seconds later
he has gone

thanks

like
no-one ever
could, you said
what i could never
hear, and now i understand
you made it clear,
it seems so
very simple
now

like
no-one ever
dared, you took
me to the place
where i needed to be,
you helped me see,
i feel so
very free
now

like no-one ever tried, you never hid nor lied, never denied or resized or decided to corrupt the pure, innocent truth which was what i needed inside
so
thank you
for your
help

note

"still draw breath," "time will never wait" and "more than words" are older works (i think from between january and may this year). "more than words" was admittedly tampered with before publishing...
just thought you ought to know (not even i can spill out three in three minutes) : )

ah yes... "still draw breath" is based on a song by U2 called "Acrobat" - it's about... well, take a guess and i'll tell you if you're right ; )

shoutouts to new member "Hetty"

still draw breath

try and fall again
cuz the enemy is just too big
perpective brings you down
the world can overwhelm

nothing i can do
just a droplet in the sea
so close so many times
always slip back down the line

burning with frustration, with intent
but we can't move, can't shout out
trapped beneath the avalanche
where has our hope gone now?

where's the fire gone
i saw it mirrored, you and me
they've put it out again
drenching us in rain

still i can draw breath
so let's not despair
a pebble started rolling
can bring down the whole mountain

burning with frustration, intent
but we can't move, can't shout out
trapped beneath the avalanche
where has our hope gone now?
yet still i can draw breath my love
tangled up but not enslaved
a droplet in the ocean
the crest of the tidal wave
burning with frustration, with intent
make your move and get me out
re-direct the avalanche
which of you is with us now?
i can still draw breath my friend
tangled up but not enslaved
a droplet in the ocean
cresting the tidal wave
breaking over, breaking over,
breaking over, breaking down,
not even they can stop us now

time will never wait for me

time will never wait for me
where did they go, all those years?
sun still moving away in the sky
faster than i can run
still so fresh and so young
what do i know about facing fears?
yet time is still moving by
rise and set with the sun

time will never wait for me
close my eyes, hide my head
the world's changed again, one more time
i can't keep the pace
and it's so much bigger than i thought
open mouth and eyes wide
i need a map, a better guide
to find my place

time will never wait for me
only sweep me off my feet
don't know where i'm supposed to be
time will never wait for me

more than words

talking without speaking
no sound but our breathing
what does it mean to you
when you look at me that way?

irises ablaze
so hard to meet your gaze
but the walls all melt away
when you talk that way

what words can't say
we can't explain
nothing else matters
nothing else will ever be the same
that which stays
is that which will never change
it's that which doesn't matter
we will always remain

nothing but the fire
burning from inside
gentle warmth of night
still fierce as the day

somehow i'm not afraid
my heartbeat still holds sway
and you know what my eyes say
when i look at you that way

in my mind's eye
it's you every time
and when i move
i still know you're nearby
i don't know why
i see what what i see
but i know i still see you
looking at me

mess

i miss you and i'm lonely
my heart aches, so empty
no-one ever made it so real
no-one ever felt so good
i'm troubled and tortured
with all the things i should have said
forgotten or mislaid
do i get to see you soon?

nothing you could ever say
could make the situation change
now i can't bear to talk to you
can't even look into your face
this is me, this is me
wretched, open, desperate, pleading
insides burning, still shaken
i move and then you move away

now oh-so-humiliated
you turned away and walked on out
i know you're never coming back
but i wait for you every day
now my mind is whirring, racing
and all the thoughts i ever had
all the words still buzzing loud
everything i still can't say

this is me breaking down
still looks like there's one way out
feels like summer never came
and winter's here forever
this is me in all the pain
all the mess, the dirt, the stain
everything still seems to say
we'll never be together

that's my cry, that's my scream
your fire consuming my dream
you don't know what i mean
when i tell you it's still not over
that's my wound, that's my scar
that's how close and just how far
that is everything you are
and it's still not over
(and i still can't take my eyes off you)

breathe

let me breathe

sparks that light me up inside
burning blue across the sky
and sun that sets but never dies
let me breathe the air of life
heart that aches and heart that breaks
but heart that heals and grows and makes
let my heart be kept awake
my heart of hearts they can never take
let me breathe in the new day
and wear a smile upon my face
let me walk on love's pathway
let me breathe and breathe again

Desire

Hear her cry like the wild wind
over long grass.
Hear her groan, an old tree
in a forest,
forgotten.
Desire plays and sings all night long;
her melody searches,
restless.
She burns like an oil lamp resisting the dark.
Watch her stretch as far as a shimmering beach,
see her struggle like the ocean,
impossible to hold.
Eagerly she plucks the strings of her harp;
seductive,
anticipating each delicious note.
As sticky as sweet honey, Desire dances
along hot horizons;
behind her the air is full of spices.

Moon

Two cats sat staring
at the moon reflected in their
mischievous eyes
Suspended in the black cloth of the sky,
it gleamed,
mysterious with adventure,
like a whitewashed ball of string,
dangling
Yet always unbearably
out
of
reach

Loneliness

Agonised air
and bitter, clouded dreams
Empty frustration is grey,
hanging over hope and not
reaching out
Swollen tears slice the silence

The Loom

Always ahead, alone
barely visible
he's never first
Lonely,
leaving a trail of doubt,
a silvery shadow
Towering,
trembling
Just waiting for somebody
to catch up

Restoration

I want to be where the dry land
meets the ocean
and the ocean laps at the edge
of a melting sky
I would wish for the stillness of being
alone
interrupted only by the struggle of waves
beating upon a sliken shore
No treasure, no earthly goods
would tempt me
the only gold, like a medal in the sky
is the sun
casting its warmth and light
to my broken soul
Here my soul rests
in His presence
I remain

Beauty?

Golden brown is your skin,
a shining light within.
Wood brown are your eyes,
each glance a sad suprise.
Your lips are poppy red,
cherry red, rosy red,
but your scarlet smile is dead.
You bow your shapely head,
you bow in sorrow,
the tears that you shed are for
tomorrow.

I hate it when I see your eyes darkened
with the painful lies they tell you.
And when I see your smile I feel
your pain, I know its so unreal, what they tell you.

They stare at your reflection
in a thousand pound glass;
they wish they had your beauty,
they wish they had your class.

You stare at your reflection
in a shattered glass.
You see it, but in darkness,
you let the shadows pass.

I see you live with pain in your beauty,
you wish it were not so;
how I hate the pain in your beauty,
I wish I could let you go.

petals

inspired by this photograph that i took in my garden

petals in the dirt

those tears that you cry
from those beautiful eyes
see, they fall like silent raindrops
gracing the parched ground
but only with your sadness

this song that you sing
with your golden voice
what a sad melody,
such bitter words
music within madness

these pictures that you paint
with your gentle hands
so bleak and barren
hurt and despair
desecrating the canvas

but that time you smiled
despite yourself
in all your angst
and suffering,
revealed your gladness

that time you smiled
that time you laughed
laid to rest the sadness and the hurt
that time you smiled
that time you dried your eyes
still shines like petals in the dirt

nothing is ever as bad as it seems
your life is a gift and a lesson to be learnt
evil can never fully corrupt your dreams
and every single smile is like a petal in the dirt

believe

i believe in life
and i'm still breathing
i believe in hope
and i can still see
i believe everything
that's still worth believing
and i get the feeling
that the world believes in me
i believe in sunrises
and every grain of sand
i believe in day-to-day
and in the spirit of man
not quite sure if i believe
in who i really am
but someone out there's watching
and i know they understand

yeah, i still believe it
i'm still living, i'm still breathing
my mind can still percieve it
there's still something that we need
and my heart can still feel it,
i'm alive and i am free
so i keep on believing
like there's no-one else but me

i believe in mountains
and i'm still climbing
i believe in dizziness
and i'm still spinning
but i believe in war
and now i'm fighting,
i believe in love
and now i'm winning
i believe in fresh air
so i'm still inhaling
i believe in new life
and i'm prevailing
i believe in mercy
forever saving
i believe in grace
that is unfailing

yeah, i believe in grace
that sets me free
i believe in hope
that gives me wings
i believe in life
set aside for me
and i believe in love
that lets me sing
i believe in love
that heals the sting
i believe in love
that keeps loving
and i believe in love that gives everything

i believe in things
that are worth believing in

take me

take me, take me,
i don't want me
i don't want to make these choices
take my mind and take my body
take my life if it's the only way
i'm a quitter, i can cope
cuz i don't believe in hope
there's only what you can do
and what you can't
what you should do and what you do
who you are and who you aren't
and i don't want to be anybody

thunderstorm

gunshots and bombs falling
blasts resounding
jets soaring
only in my head, it's only in my head
flares and crackles
and bright white light
in the dark night sky
the lines across my eyes when i close them
and hide under the bed
the thud of footsteps
running, running
water spilling,
streets capsizing
raindrops falling
just the rain, just the rain
only in my head
hide under the bed
lightning coming, down, down,
daggers of ice and electric lines
in the sky
powercables burning
society melting
fires flaring
raindrops falling,
down, down,
down on me
as the troops move in
thunderstorm

our god is an awesome god - extension

[there is a really powerful chorus to quite a bad song (apparently) and it has such a great melody i wanted to add some of my own words. quite cliched, perhaps, but essentially a declaration and when you're declaring you just state the obvious. the first verse (brackets and italics) was added by someone else.]

(who is like you,
who compares to you?
so faithful, so true
our god is an awesome god)

who is like you,
who loves me like you do?
you, there's only ever you,
our god is an awesome god

through fire and rain,
through healing and pain,
forever you remain,
our god is an awesome god

so faithful, so true,
so loving, so good,
every gift comes from you,
our god is an awesome god

burning bright as the sun
high heaven's glorious one
father, holy spirit, son
our god is an awesome god

happiness is a warm gun

the emotional is the creative

i will write lighter stuff too, i swear

look, look at "Blade of Grass..." - that was happy

:D

smile like you mean it, dooodooodoo

my hand

here's my hand
this fist and this grip
this clasp and this gesture
my arms
this embrace and this swing
this thrust and this hold
my eyes
this envy and this beauty
this darkness and light

that's me:
i climb,
i fall,
i run,
i crawl,
i do everything i shouldn't
for my own amusement
at my own displeasure
at my own disgrace
what a hellish place
what a lonely face
what a mixed-up mess of everything
that it means to be human

my heart
beating, slowing,
stopping
what happens next?

take it

take it, take it,
i don't want it
what's it got to do with me?
feel it, feel it,
what's it doing?
is it taking over me?
hate it, hate it,
grow to love it,
it will set
your senses free,
sell it, sell it,
they all want it,
they all need it,
can't you see?

waste it, waste it,
life is empty,
life is nothing,
we are dead
fill it, fill it,
fill the vacum
numb your heart
as cold as lead
sow it, sow it
this destruction
nothing here
to be fed
grow it, grow it,
hell behind us
all the fires
glowing red

look, look,
look at that horizon
now look back
bridges burning
look, look,
look at the carnage
too late, too busy
not learning
too busy
to be discerning
too busy
too busy burning
to put out the fire

suicide

the flowers beneath her feet
the leaves in her hair
she lies without breathing, without moving
those beautiful eyes tight shut
what was it she last saw?
she was always weeping, never talking

her cold hands clenched in tight fists
what was it she was thinking?
what was behind that troubled smile
and where is she now?

the waters were dark and treacherous
the waves were fierce and steep
the storm that raged would never pass
would never let her sleep
now she's walking through the clouds
and the angels dry her eyes
she left it too late to say her goodbyes

the peace she never found on earth
now leads her by the hand
yet here her body lies
and here we cannot understand

she could never bring herself to talk
could never find the words to say
the leaves in her hair, the sun on her face,
her lifeblood dripping, draining away
i've never felt so empty
why curse me with this bitter day?
i only wish she'd tried to talk
i only wish she'd stayed

blade of grass on a battlefield

a song i wrote a year or so ago (maybe more)
a blade of grass is so small and simple and insignificant; a battlefield could be a hundred square miles of mud and detritus... but think about how special a single living blade of grass could be in that environment
this is just the chorus

you say "take my hand, come fly with me
through cloudless skies"
and you take my hand, and you lead me
to the sunrise

like a blade of grass on a battlefield,
like a raindrop on parched ground
like a sunbeam in a stormy sky
you are my light, my love, my life

the waterfall

can you hear the waterfall?
here is the quiet, the restful, the peaceful
bathe your wounds and ease your aching limbs
the rocks crawl with deep, green moss
soft as feathers and springy as fresh turf
close your eyes

now look to the east, where the sunrise
creeps above the horizon
there, the leaping foam, the sweeping current
the dancing liquid tumbles over
the pool warmed by the sun as the river dives in
and takes off again, passing beneath your toes,
glinting steel, flowing wine
watering the trees and fields as it sweeps by

follow me to the edge of the pool
see yourself there, unbroken by the ripples
beautiful as the dawn
clothed in white and bathed in sunlight
and ever the waterfall pours down,
but here is the quiet, the restful, the peaceful

did they hurt you with words?
no more
did they cast you aside in all your glory, blinded by their envy?
and yet now you are here with me
drink from the river,
here is true refreshment
they cannot come here, you are safe here
in the quiet
as the river flows past under the breaking morning

and the leaves unfold to welcome us
and the birds sing brighter than the daylight
louder than any choir
more beautiful than the flowers that adorn the soft grass
and the river waves us on
and the waterfall whispers lullabies
to the rocks and the trees
here is the quiet, the restful, the peaceful

the world around you is cold and grey
but beneath the lies the grass grows and the flowers bloom
and the river flows
listen, can you hear the waterfall?
is there anything that you cannot do?

tell me

so come on out and tell me if there's something i should know
come on up and hit me, push me, make me go if i should go
save me the humiliation when i get the wrong idea
come and hit me, knock me down if you've gotta make it clear

i'm headed one direction, that's all that i can do
if you've got to turn me around then please, i'm waiting for you
shatter the illusion if it helps to break the chain
i can take rejection, i like to think i can take the pain

i don't care if you run me down, give it all you've got
otherwise i'll head for glory and waste my only shot
'less i'm going the right way, or the only way i can
in which case i guess i call the shots cuz i'm my own man

so here's to me and whoever, whatever life can throw
i've told you what i need to - tell me if i need to know
otherwise here's to the future and everything to come
i'm not looking for the end here, i'm listening for the starting gun

the real me is a liar

i could tell you anything, i could take you anywhere
not sure you believe me but i sure believe myself
i can run your mind in circles, i can make my magic work
if you can kid yourself then you can fool the world
swear to god i'm honest with you, i don't know another way
i know you'll never trust me but i promise i trust you
looks like you made a mistake, baby please don't cry
just get yourself used to the fact that the real me is a lie

so outside i'm someone else and inside i'm the same
and my long-supressed conscience is fading away
if the real me is lying and the other me is fake
then what's my reality and what's my real name?

i blow myself away with the world that i create
it's easier to sell someone something that they never have to see
i tell you what you want to hear and suddenly it's true
can't bear the thought of all those things coming back to haunt you
i know you don't trust me, never have, never will
but you can believe everything i say, you know it feels so good
i want you to discover the person inside me before i die
i want you to know the real me, not the real me who lies

so i'll take your heart and captivate, i'll take their hearts and make them warm
i'll lead you all on a road that ends with a ten-thousand foot fall
i'll pretend i'm really me until the me i tried to be is the me i can't help but be
and the other me is no-one
so it's not like i'm schizophrenic, i just can't help playing games
hiding behind faces, choosing different names
but if you knew who i really am, somewhere deep inside
everything else would seem to shout "hate me, i'm a lie"
the real me is always there, hand in hand with all those lies
and from someone who sees everything there is no disguise
i suggest you tie me up and throw me in the fire
burn away the difference between the real me, and the real me who is a liar

three sides

every story has at least three sides
it's just great that i have to do more than survive
i've got to make more effort to live a better life
and that means not depending on my instinctual drive
i could live for myself and live in my own hell
and make everyone else come and live there as well
but we all know that's stupid, as stupid often does
and if i went down that road i'd forget who i was
well now i've got to work out something worth while
and every story has at least three sides

got a house and a home and a bed and a mind
yeah, a mind that's so sharp it could cut thru ice
but life is for nothing if you don't live for life
so when you take a breath you gotta go for the dive
nothing is ever easy to explain
you can't feel pleasure if you can't feel pain
and there's no use in trying to stay the same
cuz everything changes again and again
so while you try to stay on the same ride
remember every story has at least three sides

got nothing and no-one and nothing to lose
just the coat on my back and my socks and my shoes
skin that's so tender it's already bruised
so am i the one that's perfect to choose?
well i can't do humility and i can't do pride
i can't keep a record of when i've been right
and my wrongs are the only thing i've got to hide
and my head is the only thing that can't decide
but when i'm alone in the dead of the night
i know every story's got more than three sides

there's the true and the false and the in-between
there's the real and the fake and the dreamer's daydream
what you can say, or whisper, or scream
write in a book, sing, or project on a screen
yeah there's north and there's south and there's left and there's right
and there's every other colour between black and white
there's still a time of day between day and night
and a point where the run becomes the flight
and when at last the bark becomes the bite,
when life becomes more than you can abide,
when everyone seems to fall from your side,
when every last star seems to fall from the sky,
remember that every story has more than three sides

my little house of dreams

poetry and short stories for my own enjoyment... and yours too? let me know if you like anything.

can i make this place beautiful using just words?